2017 has been a dragging, sad kind of year for me.
There is no reason.
I have a beautiful, healthy family–a great husband (seriously), two kiddos and another beautiful baby on the way. I have a good Father in heaven. I have all of my needs and many of my wants. I have a great job, a great church, great friends. I’ve had no big losses recently, no big scares. Life is stable. Things are good. Why oh why am I sad?
On some mornings, when we do the kid trade-off and it’s my turn to go upstairs to get dressed and ready for the day, I just sit on the edge of the bed feeling paralyzed. Like maybe I can’t even bring myself to move–not even to walk over to the bathroom.
It makes me crazy, this feeling that I’m not in control of my emotions. That I can’t bully myself, cajole myself or even trick myself back into happiness (I’ve tried).
The guilt just adds to it–guilt over being a burden to my husband, who shouldn’t have to deal with my irrational emotions after a long day taking care of kids and house. That’s not what he signed up for, right?
(um, he says he did)
I love having fun. I love laughing. I love delighting in the ordinary. I want to be vibrant, energetic, passionate. I want to enjoy everything, from little to big–from my first cup of coffee to the feeling of Benjamin’s solid little one-year-old body in my lap. But all feelings of delight and joy have been smothered by a cold fog that leaves me moving through my day half-senseless.
The voice in my head says,
What’s your problem.
Why can’t you get your act together.
You’re pathetic.
Ungrateful.
Weak.
Sometimes my husband tries to cheer me up–and it works.
Other times, I don’t want to be cheered up–it takes too much effort on everyone’s part, mine included. Those days, after the kids are in bed, I just want to go straight to bed with a book and disappear into someone else’s world.
(Thank God for good books.)
If anything, these past months are giving me a renewed empathy for those who have walked or are walking through depression. When you’re bouncing about your life, happiness feels easy. Those who don’t have it perhaps are doing something wrong?
But no.
And after all, maybe why am I sad is the wrong question to ask.
Maybe there is no question–or answer.
Maybe it’s just sad.
And I’m there.
View Comments (12)
I'm so sorry Jenna! May I just say something I wish someone had said to me even though I ate to be one of those people who dumps advice when you're just maybe venting/dumping a bit? After baby comes, get your hormones and thyroid checked! I faced all kinds of problems until I found that those things were out of whack. Also, don't rely on an endocrinologist as things have changed and many of them haven't kept up (I have an amazing doc in Chicago called Marco Delacruz you might want to look into). I also found that keeping my insulin down (basically lowering carbs) and fat up helped me too. I was a different person and I'm sorry for the way I felt when my babes were small. Praying for you!
Thanks Kate! I appreciate your words of experience and prayers!
Transatlantic hugs and good vibes your direction.
=)
Dearest Jenna,
I hope you can get some help. My son went through this last year and found out that he had depleted minerals in his body. Please go and get a medical check up and find someone you can talk to about this. Don't wait too long. I will be praying for you my friend.
Thanks Kay. I'll bring it up at my next midwife appointment, which is coming up soon.
I'm so sorry Jenna. I've been there. Some days I am there. Hugs and prayers. You're not alone.
Thanks Stephanie!
Hi Jenna,
I'm praying for you! I've had my struggles with depression in the past and it's horrible. Every one is happy and laughing and it's like your stuck outside watching them, looking through the glass, you didn't hear the joke or you didn't get it (even if you are smiling in the outside). And no one knows or most people don't. But God knows. You've have a LOT happens over the last few years. It's okay to sit down and be sad about some of that huge losses that you've experienced but when you move in there, to the sadness it becomes dangerous. Not only for you, for your hubby and kids. I would say so all the things the others said, but also start a thankfulness journal. Everyday write 3 things that you are grateful for when you wake up. And ponder those things. Breathe them in. I am reminded too of the verse where Jesus says "come to me all you who are burdened. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Look up that verse and meditate on it. And the one that says "be anxious for nothing but in all things through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your request known to God and the peace that surpasses human understanding will guard your hearts and your minds through Christ Jesus." It's in Philippians somewhere. It's okay to feel sad sometimes. But when sadness comes to move in and live with you, he can be an aggressive introluder. An aggressive tenant that likes to take over and dominate every area around you. Tell him it's time he packed his bags and left. You have a family to raise, a job to do, a husband to love, God to serve. And nobody has time for that. Not anymore. Give him his eviction papers and keep pressing. You've GOT this girl! Take a deep breath, acknowledge the pain, the sadness, uncover the root of it if you. CAn. And if it's just a usurping sadness kick it out. Praying for you!!! And remember God is going to give you BEAUTY for all of those ashes!!
Thank you Aimee! So good to hear your encouraging words--that you understand, and that we have a God who bears our burdens.
Wow, what a marvelous reply from Aimee! Actually from all of your commenters, Jenna. Very inspiring. I've been feeling that way lately due to "life's circumstances" (over which I have no control.) My one consolation is that God created emotions -- all of them... sadness, anger, joy, etc... Jesus wept! FEEL what you're feeling and ask Him what to do next. That paralyzed mindset is a bugger (instigated by you know who), but there's HOPE on the horizon. Vague as that "advice" may sound, it's true. Hugs, kiddo, xo.
(((HUGS))) Jenna. I get the sadness too...depression. I pray you will find something that helps you through and above it. I'm finding rhodiola helps me a lot.