Erica | Jenna's Everything Blog

To Erica and Dave: a friendly suggestion a command from heaven

My sister Erica and her fiancé Dave go to the chapel on July 24^th. They’ve been engaged since the end of May, so it’s all a flurry of planning that would never have hopes of coalescing into an actual ceremony were it not for this woman:

Mom. All together now, one-two-three: Thank you Mom!!

I’m contributing a lot to the wedding as well. Or rather, I’m contributing some. OK—I’m going to do the slide show. And that’s something, right? An essential component, I would say. Oh, and I went shopping for a bridesmaid dress. For myself. So that’s two ways that I’ve helped. Yep, I’ve always been a team player (Erica, you can thank me later).

Heidi and Mike (as we have already covered) are electing to procreate immediately, which is a wise choice due to their unbelievable cuteness when they themselves were small ones. So I thought I would encourage ye ole soon-to-be-married couple by showing them pictures of their own extreme cuteness in the hopes that they will respond with “Wow we were cute—gosh honey, it really makes you think—you know what, our duty has become clear to me: let’s have a baby! Golly dang whillikers, let’s have 5! Let’s have a whole football team of ‘em!!!!” Because if there’s one thing that I know about Dave, it’s that he needs a football-team-sized posse of children. Dave? Dave? Are you listening? This is the voice of reason speaking. Don’t ask—just reproduce. It’s your moral duty to this good earth that we all share.

Now whether Erica or Dave will actually use the phrase “golly dang whillikers” is currently up for debate, but let’s not stray from the spirit of the thing, which is: I have aunt-hood needs. My collection of nieces and nephews must be ever-expanding. Stack them to the heavens!

I’m starting a petition, and when we reach 10,000 signatures I think we can legally bind Erica and Dave into releasing their progeny into the world with no delays. Who’s with me? Anyone want to sign? Anyone? Hello?

Will you sign if I show you these Very Persuasive Pictures?

Baby Erica

Little Erica

Baby Dave, inna box

Baby Dave, jowls included

Not only do we need to get this petition thing on the road, but I call on the ranks of the extended family to brainwash these two into a baby-induced haze. In fact, forsooth, I call for a secret meeting during the rehearsal dinner to discuss our hypnotizing schemes and subliminal messaging techniques—we’ve got to come up with something brilliant. Because if this doesn’t work … well, we’ll have to revert to Plan B. Which is “peer pressure”. And that means that Heidi and I have to outnumber Erica. Heidi being pregnant already, you put 2 and 2 together …

Please, extended family. Use your persuasive magic! Don’t let Plan A fail! Don’t send me spiraling into baby time just yet! I need a little longer … just a little longer … though they are kinda cute, eh? With their little chubby knees and their doughy/poofy cheeks and their wrinkly little buns? I could name them Pinkity, Dinkity, Cornelius and Scrubbity-Dubbitty. Mmmmmm … (alert, alert: have unwittingly brainwashed/hypnotized self)

Somehow, years ago, my sister Erica and my cousin Steve engaged in an epic race to the altar.

At the time, neither one was in a relationship. A race seemed like the right thing to do. Bets were made, gauntlets were thrown down, and firm handshakes were given left and right.

The very dinner over which the race was declared (summer 2008)

I am here to declare: he won. As fate would have it, their weddings are only 28 days apart—it was a close one, folks. But as it stands, with the “I do’s” that were repeated on Saturday June 26^th, Steve triumphed. I just wish I could remember who owes who what. Was there money involved? And more importantly, is that money somehow owed to me? Based on a glaring hole in the historical record, we may never know.

After a careful and scientific research of their childhoods, I can say that he was bound to win. Just look at him:

Steve smiles triumphantly in the middle. Erica, to the right, has a clear sense of her future demise.

Erica, to the left, may think she's ahead--but here comes Steve. His style can only be called "barreling forward".

Let’s do a short interview with each contestant:

………………………………………………….

ERICA

“How do you feel about your loss of the unforgettable ‘race to the altar’?”

Erica: Since I won the race to the earth by 5 weeks, that trumps the race to the altar . . . but if Steve feels like he’s won, I’ll let him believe that. The fact is that entering the world is a way bigger deal than getting married because you can’t actually get married unless you exist.

“How would you encourage other ‘race to the altar’ contestants who have lost to cope with their failure?”

Erica: Failure, failure. . . what is failure . . . I wouldn’t count this race as “failure” per se. What would happen if you blended orange juice and a banana?

“Let’s stay on topic—you just lost a bet—how do you not see that as failure?”

Erica: Domination is done by Team Us, team Dave and Erica—and Steve and Steph have alliterated names, which is lame. I would call that losing. So in the end, Steve and Steph get kind of a consolation prize by getting married today. I pity them.

“Erica, those sound like fighting words.”

Erica: They are fighting words.

Dad: Stephanie’s Dad is a wrestling coach. . .

Erica: Well I’m not going to wrestle her dad. I’d like to point out that Dave is also an army ranger, and rangers lead the way. That’s their motto.

My husband: Don’t you think historians lead the way though?

“So give us a little preview of the drama to come—do you have any plans that include scheming, conning, sabotage, or dueling?”

Erica: Oh, well, our children are part of that plan—we’re going to have ninja ranger rock-throwing babies. Our gang of children will beat Steve and Steph’s offspring into oblivion. And not just physically—also intellectually. They will beat them in wealth, beauty, smarts, and strength. Their names will be: Ranger #1, Ranger #2, Ranger #3 and so forth. Steve and Steph, be afraid. It’s all part of the master plan.

Erica puts up her dukes

……………………………………………………

STEVE

“How do you feel about your recent Race to the Altar victory?”

Steve: Haha! Completely not the first thing on my mind . . . but it does add to the excitement. You know, now that you mention it, it feels good.

“How do you plan on interacting with Erica as the loser in this contest?”

Steve: Rub it in a little. I mean, I’ll be gracious–but I’ll always have the upper hand.

“What advice would you give to young things out there who are also contemplating engaging in such a Race?”

Steve: Mmmmmmm. . . win. And enjoy it, that’s the big thing. It happens once. Winning adds, but losing wouldn’t take away.

“Erica has said some Fighting Words about her gang of kids beating up your gang of kids; your response.”

Steve: Bring it. Bring it. Do you know what my kids are going to be named? Hunter, Gunner, Shooter, and Ace.

“Thanks Erica and Steve for fielding my questions. It’s all about good journalism on topics that are of general interest to the American public.”

………………………………………………

Well everyone, stay tuned for the ongoing drama—something tells me we haven’t seen the last of these ambitious racers! We’ll do follow up interviews in 10 years, once both couples have had the time to produce their own private gang of ruffian children. Who will win? Who will lose? And the burning question on all our minds–whose children will be the first to make it to Mars in a home-made space shuttle and colonize what some know as “The Red Planet”? We’ll be back after a brief decade.

In the meantime, enjoy these shots of Steve and Steph’s wedding: