Tag Archives: food

What NOT to give someone for Christmas

I received a beautifully wrapped gift a few Christmases ago from someone who shall not be named. (Don’t worry–this is an acquaintance, and there is NO WAY he or she reads my blog. Um, I hope.) It had some heft to it, and based on the rectangular shape I figured maybe it was an awesome board game. Or a carved tray. Or something cool.

Then I opened it.

And it was . . .

. . . yes. A larger-than-life bar of chocolate.

“But how great is that!” you may be thinking.

Let me clarify–these weren’t individually sized pieces of chocolate, ideal for consumption. This was one bar. Many, many pounds of chocolate, forged together into an unbreakable, un-bite-able plank. Entirely impractical for the following reasons:

1) You need special equipment to cut this thing. No ordinary knife was going to do the job.

2) How do you store it? Er . . . with a whole roll of plastic wrap?

3) Breaking off pieces would result in mess, mess, mess, with tiny chocolate shavings festooning the whole area.

4) It weighs a ton. And doesn’t fit easily in a cupboard. Or in any Ziploc bag I’ve ever seen.

5) Who eats that much chocolate???

Anyway, it was going to take way too much work to deal with this thing. Way too much trouble–and yet I couldn’t throw the thing away, because then I’d have guilt all over my face next time I saw this person. All I could think of was how to get rid of this thing as quickly as possible. Our next social event was a little Christmas party for our Bible study, at the home of Joe and Kathy. Joe and Kathy also happen to have 5 kids. I quickly hatched a plan to foist this bar of chocolate on them. Either directly, or by hiding it in the pile of presents under their tree.

I showed it to our small group and David, our Bible study leader, examined the monster.

It’s bigger than his head!

Way bigger.

We soon determined that someone needed to try to take a bite. That special someone was going to be Carrie.

I don’t remember if she was willing, or if my aggressive side came out and forced her hand.

Go Carrie go!

That girl is fearless.

And she has nice teeth.

Why can’t I have nice teeth like that?

Anyway, if she keeps gnawing on that chocolate she ain’t gonna have nice teeth for long.

So the conclusion of this little piece of Christmas history is this: unless you know that the giftee is planning a fondue party for 50 the following day, please think twice before purchasing a bar of chocolate of this magnitude for anyone.


Mustard Pork Chops

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Why have I been blogging about food so much recently? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s a simple progression of facts that goes something like this:

brother-in-law John staying with us = less (read “no”) leftovers = what are we going to eat?? = must cook more = increased perusal of cookbooks and magazines = exciting meal plans = utter deliciousness = must share via blog

When John leaves us mid-August to pursue his MA, I know it will be a shock to our systems. Suddenly there will be leftovers in the fridge. I’ll start asking myself in a confused fashion, “why is there so much food lying around?” (I can see this coming because this is exactly what happened last summer after he moved out) Leftovers will start decaying before we even have time to eat them. This will lead to guilt, which will lead to less cooking, which will lead to less awesome recipes being made.

Noooo!

What I’m trying to say is that I enjoy cooking for more than two people. And I will miss John’s table-side enthusiasm for the things I make.

But now it’s time to stop talking about John and start talking about pork.

I love the idea of pork, but it’s so easy to cook it wrong and end up with a mouthful of dried-out blah. Another delicious recipe from Nigella Express, I love these chops. If your experience of pork is a dry, flavorless affair, this just might be the recipe that will change everything.

It’s simple to make: a little tenderizing (to get your aggression out), a little frying, and three simple ingredients for a sauce that will send you to the moon.

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Also, a brother-in-law can come quite in handy for wielding the meat-smashing mallet.

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And for clean-up, I recommend that you obtain a couple of willing men so that you can put your feet up afterwards and demand that bonbons be brought to you pronto.

Aaaaaah.

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Ingredients

(Serves 3-4)

4 pork chops
1 ½ TBS olive oil
3 cloves garlic
1 cup hard cider
2 TBS wholegrain mustard
2/3 cup heavy cream
Salt and pepper, to taste

1. To make the garlic oil, put the garlic through a garlic press and immerse in the oil for about 10 minutes. Remove the garlic, and the oil is ready to go.

2. Trim the fat off the pork chops. Score a light diamond pattern on both sides with a knife and the smash them until they’re thinned out. Season with salt and pepper on both sides.

3. Heat the oil in a large skillet. When hot, add the pork chops and cook them for 5 minutes on each side. Remove them to a covered plate to keep them warm.

4. Pour the cider into the pan and let it bubble up, scraping up any brown bits.

5. Add the mustard and cream to the pan. Let the sauce cook for a couple minutes, stirring. You can consider the sauce done at this point; it will be light in color, runny, and perfectly delicious.

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6. Or, you can let the sauce continue to bubble away for 8-10 minutes, stirring only occasionally, and it will thicken into a gravy-like gelatinous consistency with a stronger flavor. Also delicious!

7. Pour the sauce over the pork chops and serve.

For your reference, here’s a picture of the chops with the lighter sauce:

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And here’s a picture with the darker sauce:

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Oodelally it’s good. Thanks, Nigella. Or, as my sisters and I like to say in the most obnoxious, glitzed-out movie-star voice you can muster, “spanks!”

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